From Home to ECE: Guiding Your Child with Confidence & Care

”Educator Insights to Help You Navigate Parenthood: because children don’t come with a manual”

Starting ECE is a big step—for both kids and parents! 🌟 Join us for a fun and insightful webinar as we dive into the emotional side of this transition. We’ll share practical tips, expert insights, and real-life strategies to help your child feel secure, confident, and ready for their early learning journey. Whether you’re feeling excited, nervous, or a little bit of both, this session will give you the tools to navigate the change with ease (and maybe even a few laughs along the way!). 🎧💡

Welcome to the Kebudel Parent Podcast—your no-nonsense, fun-filled guide to parenting, straight from the experts who really get kids (and parents too!). 

Brought to you by experienced early childhood educators, we’re here to dish out practical advice, laugh at the messiness of parenting, and share our insider knowledge to help you thrive. From decoding tantrums to sparking your child’s love of learning, we cover it all with a healthy dose of humor and zero judgment.

Why listen? Because parenting doesn’t come with a manual, but it can come with expert-backed insights, a little sass, and a whole lot of support. Let’s navigate this wild ride together—one episode at a time. 

Transcript

Welcome to Kebudel Parents, the podcast that helps you navigate the world of parenting with confidence, clarity, and a little fun. Need some advice from experienced educators on caring for infants, toddlers, preschoolers, and young children? You've come to the right place. Here at Kaboodle, we're a team of educators and parent experts dedicated to help you raise happy and healthy children with less stress. From supporting your child with biting to choosing the right child care, we've got the tips and insights you need.

Each episode, we bring you actionable advice, real world tips, and expert guidance to make parenting a little bit easier. So grab your coffee, get comfy, and let's dive into today's episode of Camoodle Parents. If you love what you hear, don't forget to like and subscribe so you never miss an episode. Hey. Hey, parents.

Here we are today with another wonderful parent podcast from the team at Kebudel. And today, it's my great pleasure to be welcoming Alex Verhazen from the first five years. Alex, thank you for joining me today. Pleasure to be here. You recently delivered an incredible webinar for our parent audience around the importance of attachment relationships for children and how we can support our children as they make that transition into an ECE service.

So starting in childcare for the first time. I'm really keen to follow-up on that conversation because there's just such a lot I think that we could cover. And in the webinar, it's only half an hour. So there's so much more that we can go into in in greater depth. So can we talk about that today?

Yeah. Absolutely. So from your perspective, Alex, when a child is going to start in ECE and childcare, and perhaps it's their first time, so they might be, you know, a a baby or they, you know, at any age, really. What are some of the best things that you think that parents can do to help support their child as they make that transition, particularly emotionally? I think that's the that's the crux of what we want to talk about here.

Right? What do you think that parents can do? Well, first of all, I think we need to acknowledge that it's a big transition and change for both of you, For you as the parent and also the child. Often we can just focus on how the child feels and we kind of forget the really important part that how a parent feels, how you feel as the parent really impacts how the child is going to respond to that, to the transition into care. And so we really need to focus on how do we feel as parents?

Like, how am I going to support myself? What do I need to do to make sure that I feel more stable and confident in this transition as much as possible? Obviously, there's always going to be unknowns and in areas where you're going to feel anxious about and that confidence will come once you're in that situation and processing through the change. But, we need to really focus on what what can I do to support myself in the first instance? So really acknowledging those feelings is a big one.

And that's not something necessarily that comes naturally for us. Kiwis, especially. And if you're international, if you know, you're probably in the same boat here. Really saying, you know, I feel uncomfortable about this, I'm feeling nervous. I'm feeling scared.

I'm feeling guilty. Feeling excited. And, you know, you might have, like, really, positive feelings and you might have negative feelings and both are valid and one doesn't discount the other. So one moment you might be feeling really excited to go back to work and on the other side you might be feeling really nervous and scared about going back to work and leaving your child with another, carer and and that's completely normal and typical. So acknowledge those feelings.

And I always encourage parents to write those feelings down. You know, put them put pen to paper and what you might put what you're feeling concerned about and then right or what do you need to do about that? Because if we can sit in our feelings and we can just kind of spiral through them or we can work through them. So we can we can go right. I'm feeling worried about how does nappy changes work?

How will my child be put to sleep and write it down and put the questions that you have and concerns you have about that so that when you in communication with your early childhood provider, ask those questions and you might find, which I find happens quite a lot to me, so I'll have a concern. And by the time I raise it with, a person, it's already resolved and I already have that clarity and information, to settle myself. So first acknowledge the fields, feel the fields and and get used to the the center, right? Go and do those visits. I would encourage you to do a few visits without your child as well.

Get a sense of, who the teachers are and and what their policies are and all those sorts of things so that you can feel really confident when you're entering the environment with your child. And and I think to just let your child needs it, you need a gradual transition. Right? We need to start softly and build up your capacity to be away from your child, and also your child's capacity to be away from you. Yeah.

I I couldn't agree more. Do you know in all the years that I've been working in ECE, which is over thirty years now, the the only time I've really seen children struggle with settling, I could say with almost certainty ninety nine percent of the time, it was because their parents were struggling with settling. It was because the parent was feeling nervous or anxious or not comfortable with the whole situation. And so they put their feelings onto their child. And so that made it very difficult for that child to settle.

And the parent would be questioning and, you know, really anxious and all of those sorts of things. And and it's actually yeah. That that would be my experience. And, also, I'd like to I'd like to add there, Alex, to that I think that I think it's useful for parents to understand that actually, this isn't just a transaction where you're handing over a handbag. This is a really, emotional time, but it's also very much about relationship.

Because when you start to attend an early childhood service, you are asking other people who who are really by and large complete strangers to take care of your most precious human being, to take care of your child. So that happens in a relationship. And that's not just a relationship for those educators with your child. That's an a relationship for everybody together. The educators with the child with you as parents with the family as well.

It's about forming a relationship, right? And you don't just form a relationship from meeting once, right? You gotta get to know each other and also what I've seen happen over the years and you might have had the same, Alex, is that there seems to be this expectation that it's just about the child, which, of course, is the most important part. But so educators build a relationship with the child, but, actually, the adults need to build a relationship together as well. Because, you know, there's there can be huge cultural variations.

There can be huge religious variations. There could be beliefs about what's right for children or what you want for your children versus what the early childhood centers or educators are thinking. There's so much. It's just like, it's like an arranged marriage, isn't it? I think, well, I personally believe in the first five years relationship is the foundation of all learning.

For example, you know, your child is with you in their formative early months. And if you know that they rely on you solely, they know you as the person to meet all of their needs, but quite literally all of their needs. And then they have to kind of switch it up and learn to trust somebody else to meet their needs. And that is a huge transition and change. We know that as, children at first, you know, they have a didactic relationship with their significant caregiver when they are always looking to that significant caregiver for information about how to move in the world.

And so if the caregiver, so you as the parent are feeling really and you're not at ease with the change going to an extent. There's always gonna be a level of disease there where you're not going to be feeling great about some things around the change initially. But if you're, you know, sending off signals to your child that you're really nervous and anxious and uncomfortable, your child is reading those cues and saying, well, if my caregiver is uncomfortable, if my parent is uncomfortable with what's going on here, I should also be uncomfortable because this is the person that I trust the most in the entire world to meet all of my needs. So we really do have to support ourselves and and build those relationships as with as parents with teachers. Yeah.

I couldn't agree more. You know, we spend a lot of time. Often, the center will I see this is quite a common practice. They will give you a wee form to fill out. That's Tell us all about your child and tell us about you as a family.

But actually, that needs to be reciprocal. Like, tell me about you as an educator. Who are you as a person and as a team taking care of my child? I think that that's a really important a really important thing to think about. So, Alex, let's think about this.

These children and these parents coming into ECE. We've we've done some visits and and we we're sort of feeling more confident now we're coming. What What are some other really practical things that that families can do, parents can do to help their child to establish some routines and some, you know, confidence when they're coming in on a daily basis? Quick pause to tell you all about Kebudel for Families, the ultimate keepsake and organization tool for busy parents just like you. With Kebudel, you can securely store your child's photos, important documents, and memories all in one place.

Plus, you'll get access to expert parenting advice, handpicked blogs, and resources tailored to every single stage of your child's life. Easily connect and share all of your child's memories and milestones with family and friends in your very own keepsake, keeping everyone connected and up to date. Ready to get organized and feel supported? Visit ww.kebudel.com to learn more. Now, let's get back to the episode.

Yeah. I think, especially if you've got a child that's under two, it is really important to be communicating with your teacher around what's been happening for the child overnight. So around their sleep, eating, are they teething? You know, in the first two years, obviously, there's lots of factors that come in that can impact how a child shows up in EC care that morning and teachers aren't privy to that. So I think it's a great idea to prioritize communication with a teacher, with the key teacher, ideally around what's going on for the child and and having a a a moment with your child when you're before you drop off and and leave.

We just spend a little bit of time in the environment, with the child. Some children, you know, they'll they'll run off. And once that, you know, they enter their environment, they'll they'll they'll hit the road running sort of thing. And some children will need a little bit more time with their parent to warm up and to be okay for the parent to leave. I think that the the nuance here is that we don't want to stay too long.

Well, parents, you know, it's really easy to kind of keep extending that time that you stay. I think it's always a good rule of thumb is about ten minutes before handing off to the teacher and and asking the teacher to support you with your goodbyes And having goodbyes. I like to say, consistent every time you have the same sayings, the same kind of view if you're a hugger or a kisser, you do things in the same order, so that the child really gets to understand that this is the process when we say goodbye. I look at, say, my kids and I had the same process up until about a year ago. And so my kids are now 11 and they're at primary school.

And when I drop them off, I always say to them, have a wonderful day. Mommy loves you very much. I will see you at such and such. And, a while back, I forgot to say I love you to one of my kids, in that process because I was in a rush. It was one of those mornings and he just stood there and he said, aren't you forgetting something?

No. Bless him. And I was like, oh, and I oh, and I realized they hadn't I hadn't done it exactly how he was expecting. Yeah. But that that consistency gave him confidence to push out away from me and go and do what he needed to do at school.

So our little people really benefit from this too. So keeping things consistent and you will you learn your own routine and this what works for you and your family. But I like to think, you know, checking in with the teacher a ten minute, spending a little about ten minutes wouldn't really extend it much more than that. And and having the consistent goodbye ritual, always saying goodbye as well. It's I know it's easy for parents to just kind of, dump and run, if you will.

But that's not helpful for the child. You know, if they look around and realize that you're gone, it can be very upsetting for them. Always. If there's if there's one rule for parents that I would love for all parents to know is please never sneak out without saying goodbye. As hard as it can be sometimes, I know that as there's a temptation if your child is continuously crying or upset when you know that's going to be a really emotional disconnection when you're going.

It's actually makes things worse for the child and it will make it worse for longer if you don't say goodbye. Even if it is this heart wrenching that mommy has to go to work now. I love you. I will see you this afternoon after lunch. And then and then make that once you have said that and you've made that move that you are leaving and you have an educator supporting you if you need it in that moment, it's really, really important that first of all that you say those things to your child and then you leave.

Because if you say that and then you don't go, then they they can't anticipate that that moment. They can't prepare for that moment. It makes it even worse for the child if you do that. So I agree with you, Alex, consistently routines, and, and actually being swift about that. I like to say, mean what you say and say what you mean.

Yes. And follow through. And follow through. And on your point about children getting upset, it's not our job to fix our children's feelings. Right.

It's not our job to keep them calm all the time. Our job is to support them when they are having big feelings. And I like to think of it as though it like, you know, as adults and I can speak from personal experience, I've had to learn how to acknowledge my feelings, how to label my feelings and etcetera, etcetera, as an adult. Because I wasn't given that opportunity as a child because it was, Oh, you're crying, go to your room. Right.

Because there were good and bad emotions. So when we support our little people with their discomfort and their big feelings around you leaving and we do that in a way, that acknowledges their feelings and supports them through it, They're actually learning lifelong skills here. And if we support them within, moving through these big feelings within an attachment relationship, this is how they feel safe. This is how they feel safe that when, you know, they get older and a similar feeling comes up, they know that they don't need to hold it within, but they can share it and find trusted individuals to, support them in those big feelings. So we can look we need to kinda change our mindset around our little people's big feelings.

Mhmm. I think that we just have a natural inclination as parents to want to for our child not to feel anything negative. We don't we hate seeing them sad. We hate seeing them hurt, and we just want to take that away for them. And and that's and that's a natural parent inclination.

But when we constantly, try to rescue our children from feeling anything. Yeah. What we as you said, we're giving we're we're first of all, we're signaling to them that they can't handle it. Mhmm. I think.

And secondly, we are signalling to them that you always need somebody else to help rescue you from your feelings. Mhmm. And thirdly, that you need to be rescued from feelings. You know, we're we're we're giving children messages from a young age. And this is where often I think, poor eating habits come from poor relationships, habits come from later in life.

Because from a young age, we do things to rescue children from their feelings rather than help to, like you said, support them and understand that feelings all feel feelings all day every day. Up now, all over the place. We all have emotional beings. Right. But but we have to learn and we learn this from early childhood.

It's not from when you're teenagers. Well, it's continues through life. It starts at the early years. You learn how to respond and manage your own feelings and how to self comfort. And yes, I'm not saying that we don't comfort them at all.

Don't get me wrong. But but I'm saying there's a difference between us rescuing children constantly from their feelings versus actually acknowledging them. I know you're sad. This is hard for you. This is hard for me too.

You know, acknowledging it. I think, you know, as an adult, when, you know, I'm going through a difficult time, and and someone says to me, wow, that this must be really hard and they're supportive rather than punitive. Or you're okay. You're okay. I'm not on that.

That's when I feel more calm. Mhmm. Because I feel like they're holding me in their feelings. Not trying to stop me or telling me that I'm being ridiculous or anything like that. Alex.

Alex. Yeah. You're very noisy. Yeah. Which I can be.

I can be noisy. But, you know, we can support. You know, I think I always like to look at child's experience and think knowing that their brain isn't fully developed, how would I feel with a fully developed brain if somebody talks to me like that? Am I going to feel more calm when somebody supports me through my big feelings? Or kind of like shuts me down when I have those feelings?

And I think it's also important to remember that some children are going to have bigger emotions, I guess, biggest responses to their feelings and emotions than others. And that's all purely down to temperament and personality. So you're going to have some children that are going to require more support and that can get really tiring. But the the long term benefits of supporting those children, is huge. And so we kind of have to persevere as a parent and sometimes it can be really draining.

So I and I totally get it, especially when you're managing everything else in life and your child's having a very large, extended, big feeling moment. But if you can look to the future and know that the hard work that you're doing now to support them, it has like immeasurable benefits long term, mental health benefits, right? It's it's about learning to like I said, it's about learning to, first of all, acknowledge our own feelings, recognize what those are, and that feelings pass. Like, you know, feelings will be intense for a short period of time. But if we actually know how to authentically express those in a safe way, you know, I'm really angry or I'm really sad and to better express those and not be shushed for that or not be distracted from that.

We're so good at distracting children from feelings, aren't we? Because we want them to feel better. But we learn that from a very young age how to be authentic in our feelings, then that's got far, like you said, far reaching outcomes for us as we go through life and learn how to deal with our feelings instead of becoming teenagers and young people who who aren't able to authentically express our feelings and who then start to take it all in, but have also learned that the adults around them can't be trusted to support them to allow them to have feelings in the first place. And they just don't feel like they're gonna be huge. So why bother?

Yeah. Yeah. And I often think about that with my own kids. The that, you know, the soon to be teenagers, which is a bit weird. And, you know, then they do a heart.

Their brain goes under construction for renovation. Right. And if we can normalize feelings and and now and help them with, you know, creating those strategies earlier in the piece to move through their feelings, I'll let you know in a few years if it works. But my my goal is to be out that these strategies and ways of moving through feelings will be just a normal default setting for them. I'm sure there's still going to be moments.

And, you know, in the teenage world, but I'm hoping that it will be easier. Well, early years are all about laying the foundations. Mhmm. This is why, our politicians need to understand the significance of early childhood education in the early years. I mean, preaching to the converted here, of course, but, you know, the the impact of of from the early years and now formative years when our brains are developing, when we're learning about relationships and how relationships work, when we're learning about our own capabilities and relationships and how to interact, how to make friends, how to separate from the people we love and still be okay in ourselves.

You know, all of those things, we're learning in the early years. That that where the foundations are laid. Question, Alex. So this is one you hear often. Toughen up.

You know, I'm sure there's going to be some people who might listen to this and and think, ladies, what do you know about? You know, children just need to toughen up. What do you have to say about that? You're okay. Toughen up.

Yeah. We know I I think in many aspects of early childhood education and development, earlier is not better. And we expect our children is once they start walking and they start giving their opinions to us that they must comprehend the world in a way that we do and they just don't because their brain is still forming and and so when we say toughen up, that makes us feel better. But it doesn't actually give them any strategies to work through their feelings. And we expect their children to be independent from a really young age.

But independence comes from being fully dependent on us. So if we want our children to toughen up, I look at toughness as kind of resiliency and looking about how can I move through difficult times more than I'm going to fall over and I'm not going to cry because if they've fallen over, for example, they're still in pain? They're still sad. They just don't feel like they can share it with somebody that's important to them. So I don't think toughen up is useful or another one is hard enough.

That's quite common in in our culture. And I don't think it's helpful at all. I think of, most of us have probably heard that most of our lives. Toughen up. You need to toughen up.

You need to harden up. You need to just get over it. And it doesn't serve us long term. And it certainly doesn't serve children in the first five years. So I, I think if we want our children to be resilient and I think that's what people mean by toughen up, We actually have to support them first to understand, well, how how do I move through this hard time?

Right. To to toughen up, to build resiliency, we have to move through difficulties and to understand how we do that. We need to have a role model showing us how to do that. And so what if we want our children to create strategies, we need to show them that and toughen up doesn't tell our children anything except we don't want to support them. And your feelings are not valid anyway.

Right? Yeah. It's it's also you know, I hear it's it's a natural reaction for us often to say you're okay. Because we want them to be okay. And that comes from a genuine, legitimate place of wanting children to be okay.

But when we say to children, you're okay, we very clearly they're not okay. Mhmm. It's invalidating. It it's actually so a child's hurt themselves or they're really upset or sad. You know, let's go back to the scenario we're talking about here, separating in in childcare when when you're about to go, and you say you're okay when they're bawling their eyes out.

Well, clearly, the child's not okay. If you would you know, if you were crying in front of me right now, and I said, you're okay. You're okay, Alex. It would just be so dismissive, wouldn't it? It would just Yeah.

I wanna know your tone there too. Uh-huh. Sometimes I think with children, we we, we don't pay attention to tone. We're like online. You can find various scripts, right, of what you should and shouldn't say in certain circumstances.

And, you know, if you're learning a whole new language of parenting, like I did about five years ago, it's quite difficult. And so we really need to be focusing as my opinion on, our tone and intonation and how we say things, rather than necessarily getting all the words right. So if we're saying you're okay, you know, you're okay up you get and we're quite, you know, there's that kind of auspiciousness to how we say something versus the nurturing tone. Oh, you're okay. I'm here.

There's a different, like, level. Yeah. That's true. That's true. And and sometimes when you don't know what to say, we say what comes naturally.

You know, we have learned on what we've heard. Of course, it's ingrained in us from early childhood. It is ingrained. And and this is what we call implicit learning. And we implicitly learn, ways of being in the world from those around us.

So if you go away for a weekend and you hang out with your best mates from high school like I've just done, you start picking up their mannerisms again, and then you come back into your normal life and you're still doing the same hair flick or saying like, you, you catch buzzword. And so and it kind of sticks with you. So I think, you know, when we when we're looking at it, wording, sometimes we can beat ourselves up if we don't get the wording right, and necessarily when situations. But I do think we really need to be really cognizant of how we're saying things. And and I think that all comes back when you can change your mindset from your, child's giving you a hard time versus your child's having a hard time.

You change that lens of how you see your child's behavior and and their big feelings. It's easier to take on that nurturing, manner with them and interact with them in a way that supports their emotions. And look, it's hard. It's really hard showing up to your child all the time, especially if you're in the toddler years. And you know that between one and three, you've got you've got children and the height of big emotions and they're like real volatile, roller coasters of how they're feeling.

And it can feel really draining. And so that's why I feel like when we change that lens, it makes a huge difference for how we respond to them. You reminded me of that famous Maya Angelou saying they will forget they will forget what you said. They will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel. Yep.

And true words couldn't have been spoken for life, but for early childhood as well. It is the feelings that children have and accumulate from us and others over time. Yep. That impact who they are, what they believe about themselves, and how they learn to handle themselves. Yeah.

You know, you and I were talking just before we started this podcast recording, we were talking about our feelings about ourselves in relation to our to maths. You know, we both failed school, see maths, and we've grown up with a belief about ourselves that we are bad at maths. Well, it's maybe it may may or may not be a fact, but it's the it's what we feel about that and what we believe about that that matters and that has actually impacted us for the rest of our lives. Now I would have had that messaging, about myself from a very young age, and it carried right through my schooling years. And so to the to the day, I still believe that I'm bad at maths, which actually isn't true.

I I mean, I might not be great at trigonometry or, you know, advanced from an algebra, but I can do enough basic maths to to get by in the world. So it's about how we are made to feel about ourselves and the impact that that has on our self belief. Mhmm. That matters in the long run. And and people I think that two people just underestimate how important that is in the early years.

Well, they're just small children. They're just babies. They're just toddlers. What does it matter? They're not gonna remember.

They they will their their feeling and their self belief in who they are begins from the very, very earliest years. Now I've had lots of people, parents of I say lots, maybe about 10 parents in my career, say sentiments around, oh, I really enjoyed my child turning one because they're, you know, that's when they got a personality as though, like, you know, your baby's born this, like, absolute clean slate. And there's, and there's, you know, nothing's set at that point. But our little people, you know, they are taking on far more than we even understand. So perceptive.

So. And so they really rely on us. They need us to support them. And so when we're looking at, you know, that transition into care, how we model and model navigating that transition, it really supports them in learning how to manage themselves. In that situation.

Having said that, we've I've mentioned temperament. There will always be some children that find it more challenging. And that's when it's really important to make sure that, you're having that communication with, your key, your child's t key teacher and looking at ways of how to support your child emotionally and also doing it, consistently. And between both you and your ECE teacher so that the child is getting a really consistent message around how they're supported and nurtured. Yep.

I agree, Alex. Okay, let's wrap this up. Two key takeaways, Alex, that you would like parents to have in their tool belt today. First of all, transition takes time. And you need to support yourself as much as you need to support your child.

So look at what you need support in because it's a big change. And two, your child needs to learn to be dependent on another adult. And that also takes time. And it will come, but it takes, consistency and continuity and communication, between you and the EC teacher for, that to happen. Excellent.

My two key takeaways that I would add to that, Alex, build a relationship with the educators, with the team that are going to be taking care of your child, get to know them as much as they are getting to know you and your child so that you've got great lines of communication open there. And my second takeaway point would be please always say goodbye when you when you, leave your child. Don't ever sneak out. But, yeah, also build that consistent routine that is going to be your greatest way that you can support your child through transition into starting an ECE because consistency builds predictability for children. And when children have consistency and predictability in their lives, it's far they have a far greater opportunity or ability to self regulate to manage their own emotions and to and to work through big feelings and and to cope.

So those would be my two. Awesome. Thanks, Alex, so much. What a great conversation. I hope that's been useful for our parents.

I look forward to seeing you again soon. I think our next session is going to be all around sleep, right? Sure is. Can't wait for that one. I know that's gonna be a big one.

That sleep is always a big challenge for parents. It's and this would be as an adult still, let alone with children. But, I look forward to that conversation too, Alex. We'll be talking about sleep. We're going to be delivering a webinar on that topic and also a podcast.

So look forward to joining you again soon, Alex. Thanks everybody for joining us, and we'll see you again soon. And that's a wrap for today's episode of Kaboodle Parents. We hope you found the tips and insights helpful as you continue your parenting journey. If you want to dive even deeper into today's topic, check out our blog and resource on www.kebudel.com where we've got more expert advice, helpful articles, and everything you need to support your family.

If you enjoyed this episode, please like, subscribe, and share with fellow parents who could use a little bit of extra support. Your feedback means the world to us. Thanks for tuning in to Kaboodle Parents. We'll see you next time with more practical tips and parenting wisdom. Until then, take care and keep being amazing parents you are.